I skipped my acting class today. I couldn’t bear to go. You see, it’s mid-November, the leaves are off most of the trees, and yet the temperature is warm enough that I broke a sweat just looking out at the sun.
Some, like my acting group, my boss, and my friends, would call this laziness. Whenever they do this to my face, which is often, or even when they do it behind my back (no numbers on how often this happens), I can’t help but laugh to myself, or sometimes I’ll laugh to someone else if they’re closer.
You see, this isn’t laziness, or sloth, or any other kind of hairy jungle animal. It’s preparation for the future. I don’t just dive into doing nothing without the most meticulous preparation of many kinds. I didn’t come about this personality by accident. Like finances and relationships, laying groundwork leads to the highest satisfaction levels.
I begin training in the spring, when the weather is crisp and the abs are soft. After an entire winter of staying inside and doing less and less, my energy for beginning a laziness regiment is low. This is where the discipline comes in. Of course, if it’s locked, it can also go around to the entrance in the rear. But you’d have to be a real asshole to do that all the time.
I start easy, by sitting on the steps of my apartment in a light jacket. It’s always best to start light, and then work in a heavier jacket once you’re warmed up. Several repetitions will soon have you stretched out and ready to begin in earnest. If Ernest isn’t around, I’d simply suggest giving up for the day and starting again tomorrow. He may show up by then.
So as you do this for a few weeks you may notice it’s getting easier and easier to break a sweat. However, sweats are expensive to replace, so try to break as few as possible. But regardless, it’s not your imagination. The days are getting longer, the sun is getting swifter, and the women pleasanter. These are all reasons to start getting a little hot under the collar.
Now is the time for action. It’s at this point that the shorts come out, and tank tops see daylight, and I can consider going outside to doze off. This is where many people go wrong. They just go to sleep. But before I go I go through my entire house, making an organized list of the cleaning that needs to be done, the groceries that need to be bought, and any necessary repairs to make. Then I go outside and go to sleep, and rest assured that I’ll be too exhausted to get up anytime soon.
Once I’ve got this down to a science, it’s important that I not interrupt the status quo. After all, quo the raven, ‘Nevermore.’ This is a sleeping marathon, not a race, and so I break it up into chunks. I never sleep for more than 8 hours at a time. Though to be fair, I’m never awake for more than 8 hours at a time either, unless I’m at work. In that case, they define time in a different way than me. My boss argues that time in a linear progression of events that has no discernable start or ending. I argue that she needs to leave me alone, as I was just having a very nice dream about a big dance number starring myself and Natalie Portman, during our co-written musical that is both visually stunning and morally relevant to the world of our times. We shall call it, “Love in the Time of Nausea.”
Of course all things must come to an end, and eventually the days begin to cool and shorten once again. By this point I have baked nicely, and am now the color of a chicken pot pie, which is at least a step up from being yellow. Now is the time to baste in a warm bath for a couple months, turning myself even month or so, until I’m ready to serve at Thanksgiving with a side of stuffing and sweet potatoes. For that matter I’ll serve at anytime, just don’t expect any tennis miracles. The whole process than repeats itself for the upcoming year.
So you see, when you interrupt me, you’re not just interrupting me. You’re ruining a perfectly maintained concentration machine whose only wish is to continue unabated for all its years.
Though you can try to bait me anyway, and see if I bite. I’d suggest potato chips, hamburgers, and saltines.
